Tips for having a great match.com date

Most of the time you can tell by a person’s profile what kind of person they are.  If they brag about themselves in the short chance they have to introduce themselves to the dating world, you know they would make a boring lunch date.  Sorry- that’s just the way it is.  Everyone is by nature interested in themselves and to sit through an entire date listening to someone go on and on about how great they are is downright boring. 

So, the first point of advice is to try and choose an interesting person!  I would email back and forth a few times and determine if the person seemed interesting, and had a pleasant sense of humor.  The serious, negative, resentful people needed to work out their issues- without me.  I was on a mission to meet people and have a pleasant, fun time.  I did not want to waste my precious date times with negative people and certainly not with a man complaining bitterly about how badly his wife treated him.  Ugh!  I mis-judged a few and did get stuck listening to all the horrible things his wife had done.  And you know what?  It’s the same story.  Different characters, different stage, but same play.  Already saw it- not interested in hearing it again. 

With a few emails and a call or two, I was ready for a meeting place and time.  Don’t overdo the emails and phone calls.  Internet dating is odd in that people get to know the deepest emotions of a person before they have time to become familiar with each other.   In a workplace, it’s just the opposite.  You get to know a person, little-by-little and people are somewhat guarded.  On the internet, people pour out their soul through the letters on the keyboard.  Not good as a standard practice.  So, after a few brief emails and a call to hear the voice and set up a meeting place, just meet!  And beware of the person who wants to have an internet-heavy relationship.  If they want to continually hide behind a computer screen rather than meet face-to-face, chances are they may not be the sort of person who is ready and willing to share themselves in an emotionally healthy way.  And that’s fine if they need more time to process all that they’ve been through and to come to grips with their new status.  But not on my time.  Just my opinion. 

Now that we have a general filtering process underway, we’re ready to meet the hopefully fun and engaging person! 

Look your best!  This goes without saying, I would think.  But it needs to be said.  Wear something suitable for the occasion.  Look a little more polished than you think is required.  Just a little.   Bleach your teeth (Crest whitestrips are wonderful), highlight your hair or at least take the gray out (takes 10 years off your age), wear something that is slimming (always do a full-length mirror check before leaving the house) and re-read the emails so you remember the little facts about him.  That way it will seem like you care and who isn’t turned on by that?   Then get yourself psyched!  On the way to the date, think of the things you’re grateful for.  It will raise your spirits.  You need to present yourself as a happy, somewhat free person.  Those are the most desirable traits in a woman.  You can see this all around you when you’re in a room of men and women.  All eyes are on the happy woman who has a sense of freedom.  Men want to make women happy, and are drawn to the ones who already appear to be… then most of their work is already done!  Not that men are lazy and would rather sit back instead of making an emotional connection…. but you get my point.  The bottom line is that men are biologically here to procreate.  As much and as many offspring as is humanly possible.  Survival of the species and all of that.  So, in their Darwin-related mind,  if they can shave time off of the mating ritual and get right to the point of their existence, they’re even more interested.  Women on the other hand are looking for the protector and provider- the mate to allow her to take care of the offspring she has bore.  And since she can only have maybe a total of 10-20 on outside numbers compared to the male’s hundreds or thousands, she is intently interested in attracting the best caretaker.  No wonder it all goes sideways in marriage! 

Back to the date.  Walk into the meeting place a few minutes late.  Give him time to build anticipation.  You don’t want to be first.  Look confident and pleasant.  Fake it if you need to- just look it.  And genuinely happy.  I know, it’s hard to fake genuineness…  As soon as you see the person- and remember- they always look older and a little less attractive than their picture.  But you do too.  Didn’t you put your BEST pictures on-line?  Note- make sure your pictures are the best of the realistic you.  Nothing like disappointing a date in the first two seconds.  When you see your date, smile and make warm eye contact.  I was in sales for 20 years.  I know these things.  And the first date is a version of selling yourself.  Not that way, but in making the consumer interested in you, the product. 

Allow them to make the decisions.  Where to sit, when to order.  Just take their lead.  They love that.  Chances are they have been with someone who over the years had been telling them what to do and when to do it.  Excuse my french, but they were getting their balls squeezed tighter and tighter.  And what a wonderful relief when they’re finally with a woman that lets them BE THE MAN!  Whatever… it’s important to them.  And a small sacrifice to sit in a location that seems less desirable than your first intuitive choice. 

Ask questions.  Now that you’re finally face-to-face, allow your date to talk about himself.   And this is where you separate the gems from the fools gold.  Do they stop and ask you questions?  And are they interested in your answers?  Or are their eyes darting as they try to think of something else to say impressive about themselves?   I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have a person look you in the eyes and be genuinely interested in what you are saying.  It’s so refreshing!  And it gives you renewed faith in being able to find a good partner.   Someone who listens and cares.  This is just a little test, but you can tell during the first date if they have the capability to pass the big one. 

And remember- the good feelings you want to have from his being interested in you, you can give the same.  Listen when he talks.  Make eye contact.  Ask questions about the things he just shared.  MOST people most of the time listen to a comment and then make a comment about themselves.  It happens almost all of the time.  Listen to the communication style of people who have just met (in airplanes, restaurants, parties).  You’ll be surprised.  The percentage of people who ask a question, listen to the answer and then comment on what the speaker said WITHOUT saying something about themselves is extremely small.  So small that if you do this one thing, you will stand out above all the rest.  Studies have shown that when people are able to talk about themselves in an encounter, they will rate the other person as like-able!  Even if they didn’t give the other person a chance to even show if they were deemed to be like-able!  All it takes is listening to be considered desirable!  Imagine that.  After 30 or 40 match.com dates, the person I’m still with 7 years later was the one who was truly interested in what I was saying on our first date.  And as I remember the only one who was more interested in hearing about me rather than talking about himself. 

On a final note, end the date right before it seems it should end.  A date that clearly reaches an ending time has gone over into the boring side.  And I forgot, make the first date for a coffee or a drink after work.  Dinner is too much of a commitment.  You don’t want to be stuck with someone for over an hour if clearly he’s not your type. 

Good luck!  And I’d love to hear from you on how it goes!

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