I had found out about an affair that had happened 15 years prior.  I was devastated in the sense that the word implies.  It hurt.  It changed things- I felt the need to coat myself with a protective layer while I processed the new knowledge.  It shook my core like a mild earthquake could rumble the ground.  But it did not wreak havoc destruction.  You get the picture. 

But in my internet search of trying to come to grips with the hic-cup in our vowed trust in each other, I was surprised to see that the readers’ focus was not on trying to mend the problems brought about by a one-time occurrence.  Instead, I felt a tremendous push from people I didn’t even know to open my eyes and see things with clarity.  What?  I had wanted to read soothing stories from other women- how an affair had improved communication skills with their husband and ultimately their love and connection to each other.  But I was getting a call to take my head out of the sand and face the real truths.  “If you discover an affair, look deeper.  There are always more”.  What?  Not my husband.  And not in my relationship.  He was my closest friend.  The bond between us was so much stronger than the women I was reading about.  We had a connection that was too deep to compare their experiences to ours.  But I couldn’t stop reading.  And the more I read, I began to feel a tinge of doubt creep into my secure mental cocoon.  I suppose I could check some of the things they suggested… the phone bills, the credit card statements.  Some of my husband’s behaviors had been on the “how to tell when your husband is having an affair list”, but I could explain all of those things.  On one hand, it felt like in my heart I could trust him completely- he was my soul-mate and a soul mated to another soul is open, pure and bound.  I felt guilty for even considering that there could be anymore to this than his one time slip-up.  But on the other hand, that seemed to be the general initial perception of all the women in the stories I was reading.  They had been in the same place as myself, innocently assuming the faithfulness of their partner, only to be blindsided by the truth of their discoveries. 

This was getting real uncomfortable.  And my allegiance began to change from being a separate, detached, unaffected entity to becoming one of the pool of women who had clearly been through something worse than devastation, but had somehow managed to swim through an impossible sludge to recover and offer help to others in need.  I was sure I didn’t like this.  I was being whisked away from the safety of my mind’s pseudo-perfect relationship into the harsh realization of reality.  I knew I was in store for a bumpy ride.  I just had no idea how horrible this journey I was embarking on would become.  How it would take all of my strength, from a part deep inside of me that I was yet to have an awareness connection to, in order to emerge out on the other side.  The pain and heartbreak of a partner’s infidelity is almost impossible to describe in words.  The word ‘devestation’, with its meaning of a desolated state, only begins to suggest the depth of its groundlessness.  The ravages of broken trust and the impact of the horrible comprehension leaves a person in a blown-apart state of disjointed pieces.  And it’s up to that person, in such a weak, incomplete, precarious, lonely, unsteady condition to survey the aftermath of the destruction and determine if they want to collect the scattered pieces and pull themselves back to life.  Or not.  That’s the meaning of devastation.  

I held the envelope of my husband’s Verizon bill.  How did this happen?  Was I about to step into a minefield?  I tired to prepare myself for the first jolt.

So, the first point of advice is to try and choose an interesting person!  I would email back and forth a few times and determine if the person seemed interesting, and had a pleasant sense of humor.  The serious, negative, resentful people needed to work out their issues- without me.  I was on a mission to meet people and have a pleasant, fun time.  I did not want to waste my precious date times with negative people and certainly not with a man complaining bitterly about how badly his wife treated him.  Ugh!  I mis-judged a few and did get stuck listening to all the horrible things his wife had done.  And you know what?  It’s the same story.  Different characters, different stage, but same play.  Already saw it- not interested in hearing it again. 

With a few emails and a call or two, I was ready for a meeting place and time.  Don’t overdo the emails and phone calls.  Internet dating is odd in that people get to know the deepest emotions of a person before they have time to become familiar with each other.   In a workplace, it’s just the opposite.  You get to know a person, little-by-little and people are somewhat guarded.  On the internet, people pour out their soul through the letters on the keyboard.  Not good as a standard practice.  So, after a few brief emails and a call to hear the voice and set up a meeting place, just meet!  And beware of the person who wants to have an internet-heavy relationship.  If they want to continually hide behind a computer screen rather than meet face-to-face, chances are they may not be the sort of person who is ready and willing to share themselves in an emotionally healthy way.  And that’s fine if they need more time to process all that they’ve been through and to come to grips with their new status.  But not on my time.  Just my opinion. 

Now that we have a general filtering process underway, we’re ready to meet the hopefully fun and engaging person! 

Look your best!  This goes without saying, I would think.  But it needs to be said.  Wear something suitable for the occasion.  Look a little more polished than you think is required.  Just a little.   Bleach your teeth (Crest whitestrips are wonderful), highlight your hair or at least take the gray out (takes 10 years off your age), wear something that is slimming (always do a full-length mirror check before leaving the house) and re-read the emails so you remember the little facts about him.  That way it will seem like you care and who isn’t turned on by that?   Then get yourself psyched!  On the way to the date, think of the things you’re grateful for.  It will raise your spirits.  You need to present yourself as a happy, somewhat free person.  Those are the most desirable traits in a woman.  You can see this all around you when you’re in a room of men and women.  All eyes are on the happy woman who has a sense of freedom.  Men want to make women happy, and are drawn to the ones who already appear to be… then most of their work is already done!  Not that men are lazy and would rather sit back instead of making an emotional connection…. but you get my point.  The bottom line is that men are biologically here to procreate.  As much and as many offspring as is humanly possible.  Survival of the species and all of that.  So, in their Darwin-related mind,  if they can shave time off of the mating ritual and get right to the point of their existence, they’re even more interested.  Women on the other hand are looking for the protector and provider- the mate to allow her to take care of the offspring she has bore.  And since she can only have maybe a total of 10-20 on outside numbers compared to the male’s hundreds or thousands, she is intently interested in attracting the best caretaker.  No wonder it all goes sideways in marriage! 

Back to the date.  Walk into the meeting place a few minutes late.  Give him time to build anticipation.  You don’t want to be first.  Look confident and pleasant.  Fake it if you need to- just look it.  And genuinely happy.  I know, it’s hard to fake genuineness…  As soon as you see the person- and remember- they always look older and a little less attractive than their picture.  But you do too.  Didn’t you put your BEST pictures on-line?  Note- make sure your pictures are the best of the realistic you.  Nothing like disappointing a date in the first two seconds.  When you see your date, smile and make warm eye contact.  I was in sales for 20 years.  I know these things.  And the first date is a version of selling yourself.  Not that way, but in making the consumer interested in you, the product. 

Allow them to make the decisions.  Where to sit, when to order.  Just take their lead.  They love that.  Chances are they have been with someone who over the years had been telling them what to do and when to do it.  Excuse my french, but they were getting their balls squeezed tighter and tighter.  And what a wonderful relief when they’re finally with a woman that lets them BE THE MAN!  Whatever… it’s important to them.  And a small sacrifice to sit in a location that seems less desirable than your first intuitive choice. 

Ask questions.  Now that you’re finally face-to-face, allow your date to talk about himself.   And this is where you separate the gems from the fools gold.  Do they stop and ask you questions?  And are they interested in your answers?  Or are their eyes darting as they try to think of something else to say impressive about themselves?   I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have a person look you in the eyes and be genuinely interested in what you are saying.  It’s so refreshing!  And it gives you renewed faith in being able to find a good partner.   Someone who listens and cares.  This is just a little test, but you can tell during the first date if they have the capability to pass the big one. 

And remember- the good feelings you want to have from his being interested in you, you can give the same.  Listen when he talks.  Make eye contact.  Ask questions about the things he just shared.  MOST people most of the time listen to a comment and then make a comment about themselves.  It happens almost all of the time.  Listen to the communication style of people who have just met (in airplanes, restaurants, parties).  You’ll be surprised.  The percentage of people who ask a question, listen to the answer and then comment on what the speaker said WITHOUT saying something about themselves is extremely small.  So small that if you do this one thing, you will stand out above all the rest.  Studies have shown that when people are able to talk about themselves in an encounter, they will rate the other person as like-able!  Even if they didn’t give the other person a chance to even show if they were deemed to be like-able!  All it takes is listening to be considered desirable!  Imagine that.  After 30 or 40 match.com dates, the person I’m still with 7 years later was the one who was truly interested in what I was saying on our first date.  And as I remember the only one who was more interested in hearing about me rather than talking about himself. 

On a final note, end the date right before it seems it should end.  A date that clearly reaches an ending time has gone over into the boring side.  And I forgot, make the first date for a coffee or a drink after work.  Dinner is too much of a commitment.  You don’t want to be stuck with someone for over an hour if clearly he’s not your type. 

Good luck!  And I’d love to hear from you on how it goes!

I was in my upstairs office in front of my computer sometime in an hour after dinner time.  I still thought of the day in terms of family activities like eating dinner, but there was no one there for whom to fix dinner, and I certainly wasn’t hungry.  I looked behind me into the dark hallway and the emptiness penetrated my core.   Tears filled my eyes and I put my head down on my keyboard and cried.  It was so, so lonely. 

It was the beginning of October.  The kids had gone off to college and I had just moved back into the house.  It had been such a tumultuous year.  I never imagined that a husband’s infidelity could have such a devastating effect on a family.  Even the dog died of stress.  The vet declared the death due to a malignant fat pad, but I knew what had killed Woolfie.  A broken canine heart.  Her loyal master had become a shell.  Woolfie had spent every day within a few feet of her work-at-home master and nothing could have prepared her for this sudden confusing separation.  She could see the physical body, but the loving owner was gone.  All she could see were tears and outbursts from a devastated soul.  I’m sure she wanted to leave with the kids and would have had she not been wearing her invisible fence collar. 

I had left September 1, ten days before 9-11.  While the entire country was riveted by the shock of drastic upheaval and changes, I had just declared my seperate entity and felt even greater massive heaviness as my lonely life crumbed.  The infidelity issue had hit me like a cannon ball being shot through my stomach.   I would have bet my life- really, truly, my life- that my husband would have never been unfaithful.  My trust in him was 100 percent unwavering.  And it had been shattered.  I was shattered.  I was so broken apart, I couldn’t get my arms around all the pieces.  My being was scattered.  Heart-broken, internally ravaged.  I had been laid to waste.  And it took me a year to even begin to pull my inner self back to some sort of discernible shape.  I kept trying to stick the scattered chunks back together.  But the core had lost it’s substance. 

No one had been able to help me the first several months.  They tried.  They gathered the pieces of my scattered self and tried to re-attach them, but nothing could adhere to emptiness.  It was up to me to re-establish the center- to bring about a point of cohesiveness.  Without the “me”  intact, there was nothing to attach the parts on to. 

It had taken such a long time of my being huddled inside of myself before I was even able to feel the little glimpse of the life with-in.  The little warm flame still burning- almost snuffed by the explosive shock, but something deep inside, that most inner of the self, had remained lit and intact.   And was waiting for the  fallout of all the exploded parts to finally land and settle in the quiet soul-searching aftermath.  And from there I was able somehow, with a glimpse of strength I didn’t recognize at first as my own, to begin to pull the pieces of my disjointed self back together.

I had gotten a job- just something to make me need to get up and going in the morning.  I needed the structure to wake up, shower, put on make-up and be concerned about deciding what to wear.  It was in sales, so there was that much-needed buffer time during the day when I didn’t have to account for my presence.   Sometimes on my sales calls I would drive to a park-and-ride and sit and cry.  After work I would go home to the empty house and try to find something interesting on tv or read a book.  I read three books in three weeks and I’m not a fast reader.  I imagined myself living long days, by myself.  It seemed impossible to meet people.  I didn’t have many outside interests where I could interact with other people.  And I wasn’t a bar person.  I didn’t have close girlfriends and my female family members were busy with their own families.  I saw emptiness ahead.

And on this October evening, sitting in the depressing loneliness of my empty house, I stopped crying and looked at my computer screen.  My yahoo mail didn’t interest me.  But down in the left-hand corner I saw a little square that read “Yahoo Personals”.  Was that like the man-seeking-woman ads people surreptitiously read in the back of the newspapers?  No one was there- I was way too aware that I was alone in the house.  Who would know if I clicked it?  It couldn’t hurt.  I did.  And voila!  Nice-looking people with intriguing introductions captured my attention.  What was this?  I did a google search and found a handful of on-line dating sites.  (Remember, this was 2001).  I had no idea these things existed.  I saw that on match.com, I could go on-line without needing to post a profile or picture.   As long as I paid the $21/month I could search over and contact hundreds and hundreds of people!  Now this was interesting!  There were many, many people, like me, who had stories that landed them in a similar situation as myself.   And every person wanted to meet other people!  My eyes squinted at so many choices.  Could this really be true?  I truly felt like I had just stumbled upon a glistening gold mine.  And my life began to turn a corner.

 And that’s exactly what happened.  Playing notes and chords over and over.  Some were right and the beauty surprised me, and sometimes the sounds I made were not pretty.  But I stuck with it- there was something about the feeling of learning something new and creating and growing that inspired me.   And a beautiful song did come out of the sheet music, through me and into the world.   For me, it was Mockingbird Hill, a song from the early 50′s that I thought my mother would like to hear me play.  I’m not sure how much she liked it, but I do know that eventually got tired of hearing it over the next 40 years.  It was the only song I could ever play by heart so if I ever sat down at a piano without music, I’d tear into that one.  Actually, everyone is tired of hearing it!  If you’ve ever taken piano lessons, I bet you have a song like that.  The only one you remember by heart.  You sit down and play the first few measures that you remember, and people are listening and impressed.  And then it comes to an abrupt halt.  You only can remember the first few measures!  You know what I mean.   

 And haven’t we all been there before with stepping into something unfamiliar?  The new things can be scary.   We open the page of sheet music and see all that’s so overwhelming and unknown, and it would be so much easier to close it and go back to our easy songbook.  But instead something calls us, and we take a deep breath and just place our fingers on the carefully chosen keys and press.  Then we realize somewhere deep inside ourselves that this daunting new place we’ve just stepped into CAN be made to be our new, exhilarating, uplifted world.    And we decide to move forward and we feel that tiny glimpse of celebration within ourselves.  New sheet music.